Turkey Day Talk

Oooof.
I know I've been saying it every time I blog, but seriously guys, these weeks are just escaping me. I can't believe TOMORROW is actually Thanksgiving. Where the hell is this year going? Between people stuffing their birds and hanging their stockings, I don't know which side is up with this holiday madness. So in lieu of ramble jamble of paragraphs, we're going to have some Turkey Talk, bullet point style.

- This is what happens when you ask your brother in law to take a couple pictures of you before your baby shower and he makes you go all Zoolander. Haha....who are we kidding, I love hamming it up for the camera. But yes, my sisters hosted my baby shower two Saturdays ago (November 16th) and they did such a fantastic job. Since I have a long weekend this weekend, I'm hoping to get a couple recap posts up to show off my little sunshine shower. 

- This year we will be celebrating Thanksgiving at my sister Monica's house. Sadly, B has to work in the morning but I'm hoping he gets off early enough that we don't miss dinner. Bry and I usually just celebrate Thanksgiving with just the two us and eat later in the day around 4 but my sister is having it at 1 so we'll see what happens. I'm also a little sad that we won't be able to name our turkey this year (read here and here). One thing I always get excited for though is the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It's my favorite part of Thanksgiving morning, so if you're looking for me tomorrow, you'll find me curled up on the couch, hot cocoa in hand trying my damnedest not to high kick like a Rockette. 

- While we're talking about Thanksgiving, can we talk about Black Friday or Black Thursday which it now actually is. I am probably one of the few and far between people who actually enjoy and look forward to going out in the Black Friday madness, but really, starting at 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving....c'mon now. If anyone is hip to the Black Friday game you know that in all actuality you have to be there at 4 to scout out your merchandise and get together your game plan together. Yes, I do love to score some $1 towels (ha) but I'm not willing to sacrifice dinner and time with my family for a few Rubbermaid tupperware containers. Call me crazy, but I miss the rush and excitement of being up at midnight and beyond getting our deals. I actually didn't mind since it started later and I had time to take a nap after dinner but now it's rush rush rush. I'll be heading out with my sister Tara but we won't be starting till later in the evening and probably when all the big crowds are gone. This pregnant mama doesn't mind that one bit though. 

- Again, while we're on the topic of holidays, let's talk about the mish mash of Thanksgiving and Christmas. You have two sides to this holiday fence. Those who respect the turkey and don't decorate for Christmas, speak of it, or listen to Christmas music until the last piece of pumpkin pie is consumed and those who say 'fuck it' and bedazzle their homes and blast their N'Sync Christmas album loud for all to hear all before the last Thursday of the month. I'd like to think I fall somewhere in the middle of these two groups. I've been listening to Christmas music for a couple weeks now (it just makes me all warm and fuzzy) but B and I don't decorate until Thanksgiving. Yes, I know they're less days between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year and I'm late compared to most other bloggers and their Christmas posts but it is what it is. I have to admit, this time of year is my favorite for blog reading. I love reading all the holiday posts and even if I'm reading new blogs throughout the year, I always check their archives and check out their holiday posts. Just seeing all the trees, and traditions, and cookies, and fa-la-la makes my heart happy. 

- The carpet is finally down in the nursery. *ahhhh breathes sigh of relief*

I think Bryan was tired of hearing my mouth so the day after the baby shower, he got down and got it done. I've gone through and organized all our gifts from the baby shower and now I'm on a mission to find the best decorations for our little sunshines nursery. We still need to order our dresser but that is the last piece of furniture that will go in there. We're working with limited space but I'm going to try to make it as cute as possible. 

- I fall asleep on Bryan alot. We tried to watch a movie last night and I think I only made it through a quarter of the movie before I started catching some zzz's. I feel like a narcoleptic but I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. I think it's a combination of the pregnancy and me having the stomach bug on Monday. I had embarrassingly gross pukefest at work on Monday where I not only threw up once but twice in garbage can outside of my work area. I was a mess and came home and knocked out from 4 p.m. till 4 a.m. the next morning. God bless Bryan's heart, he came up through out the night and checked on me and gave me kisses and made sure I kept hydrated. 

- It's hard to write out posts when I'm distracted by Real Housewives. Sadly, this measly post took more than an hour to put together because I got sucked into this nonsense. And with that, I'm out! : )

What are your plans for the holiday weekend? 

You cooking or heading to family and friends?

Pregnancy Hormones, Where I Will Either Cry Or Shank You.

Okay, first can we discuss the massive blogger baby moon that is happening right now?!?
Holy shit, everybody has been getting busy lately and there is going to be alot of early 2014 babies to show for it. If I can be 100% real here, it always makes me little kid giggle when I think of another blogger getting pregnant. We all know how babies are made but I don't know, sometimes I hold bloggers to a different regard and think they don't do 'real life stuff' like me. Like have sex, for example. Obviously, I'm not thinking about the details of your sex life, but sometimes it escapes me that yes, other people are having sex and this isn't just a singular concept.

I'm weird, I know.....let's just embrace it.

To get to the title of this post, I'm here today to discuss pregnancy hormones, and the way that evil little bitch has been taking over my emotions. When people talked about pregnancy hormones before I was pregnant myself, I thought.....'hmmm....how bad can it be? Maybe they're just overreacting...bitches be crazzzyyyy...' and things to that nature. Oh goodness, am I kicking myself in the ass now for prejudging before actually experiencing it. I was pretty level headed (ok maybe a little crazy) before and could box up and contain my emotions rather easily.....but now.....now I'm a mess, my friends.

I've become that crazy bitch.
The crazy, psychotic, emotional, I will cry if you look at me the wrong way and in the blink of an eye, want to shank the shit out of you if you don't give me a fucking hug right now kind of hormonal.
It's been bad, guys.
Real bad.
Ask Bryan.

My poor husband has been the recipient of many of these emotions and my sudden outbursts of psycho, but to cut myself a break, he has also been the reason for most of outbursts. I don't know what your love language is but mine is words of affirmation and it has taken quite a hit lately.

via

Bry and I have always had good communication in our relationship and I think it's one of the reasons we've lasted this long, but as in any relationships, they grow and change and during this unstable time I've needed to hear more 'I love you's' than normal. I hope it doesn't come off as needy, but I'm a woman that thrives off of words of encouragement and words of affirmation. I like to not only know I'm loved but hear that I'm loved/pretty/amazing/thebombdotcom and what have you. It boosts my confidence and at a time when my body is drastically changing and my hormones are all out of whack, I need this more than ever.

There has been countless nights where I've cried myself to sleep because I wasn't feeling loved by B, family, and friends. Nights where I felt so depressed that I didn't want to wake up but then hours later, felt back to my old self and was bouncy and cheerful. There might have been a day where I even had a emotional breakdown in a Bon Ton because B said he wanted to repaint the downstairs. I took that as he hated the color I chose and in turn hated all my decisions and of course then, hated me. I went from zero to sixty quickly.

It was scary how quickly I could take something so innocent, so personal.

I've been counting my blessings throughout this pregnancy, since I've been lucky to avoid some of the shitty parts but this is one part that I will be glad to say adios to. I hate feeling like I don't have control of myself and it's scary to have such severe reactions to the simplest of things. Please tell me I'm not alone.

Has anyone else experienced crazy hormones during pregnancy?!?
What was your craziest/funniest/saddest meltdown?

***
P.S. If you find me curled up, crying in a corner somewhere, just let me go. I've been chanting 'this too shall pass' to myself lately and I'm sure I'll bounce back from my meltdown.

P.P.S The hormones have actually subsided lately, but I had to share because over the last month, my body has been making me feel all types of weird and I find it necessary to document some of this ridiculousness.

Oh Hey, Did You Miss This Face?

I bet you did.
Don't lie.
Okay, so maybe some of you did but I bet an even bigger majority didn't even realize I was gone.
It's ok, no judgements here.

My almost month long blogging hiatus was completely unintentional but after the first week, when I didn't open my laptop and didn't feel any stress I decided to roll with it. And well, days turned into weeks and weeks turned into now. It felt good not to struggle with what to write and not have to keep up with anyone but myself. I know nobody is holding a gun to my head making me blog but let's be honest ladies, some of us feel that twinge of anxiety when we aren't pumping good posts out.

No?
Well that's the way I was feeling and it was really bumming down my blogging mojo. I've shared my feelings of how I blog before but let me just take a second and share my feelings on your blogging. Not you, in particular but blogging in general, and to me it's seems alot more commercialized lately. Everyone wants to be blog famous and have the bestnewomgRTgiveawaygiveawaygiveawayadhashtagnewrecipe blog and the competition is getting out of control. This blog post kinda explains my feelings perfectly. If those things are your deal, than more power to you but I'm looking for more personal blogs that share more of their 'real life' than just shilling the next paid for product or giveaway. I like giveaways and pretty clothes as much as the next girl but after reading a million posts about the same thing, it starts reading to me like the Charlie Brown teacher.

'...Womp da womp womp womp womp...'
Hashtag that shit under fact. 

But yes, over these last couple weeks and dealing with some issues, I've learned that my time (as well as yours) is valuable and I shouldn't be wasting it on activities and blogs that I'm not actually enjoying. Hence why I haven't been reading or writing much. Nothing much to say = no blog posts. Sad face. Sorry.

here is a pretty picture to lighten things up. 

But back to why I've been MIA. 

I know some people don't care but whenever a favorite blogger of mine goes ghost, I'm always curious about why there gone and I thought I'd share since I would want to know myself if the blog shoe was on the other foot. 

So let's break this down to some pretty bullet points: 

- It's Summer!!! Yes, that is a reason in my book. The official day of summer might have just been this weekend but summer has started in these parts for awhile now and that equals relaxation here. I sadly even stepped away from our photo challenge for this reason. I don't want to half ass projects I've committed to and I know between work, vacations, and just chilled out summer activities I wouldn't be giving it the 100% that I want to and that wouldn't be fair to the other girls or participants. But yes, summer is in full swing over here and hopefully I'll have some fun stuff to share soon while we enjoy this beautiful weather. 

- We've been working on the house and eeek I can't wait to share. This blog is called Little Woman, Little Home but it seems like the home part gets the shaft a lot of the time. Well my friends, that is about to change because, we've painting, pulling weeds, laying things down, and switching things up and I'm pumped to share our progress. Little Home is getting her pretty on. 

- My uncle passed. This was one of the biggest reasons I've been gone. He fought a good fight and held out to the very end but lung cancer sadly took him from us last Saturday. The past few weeks have been spent with my family by his bedside letting him know how much we love him. Though we are heartbroken that he is gone, we are glad to know he is no longer suffering. I would go into more but the wound is still pretty fresh and I would just rather leave it at that now. We love you Uncle Bub. 

So there it is and here I am.  I'm not going to make any grand gestures or promises for my blogging and it's future but right now I'm glad to be back and ready to start catching up with some of my favorite ladies.

Hope everyone is having a great summer so far.
Bring on the pictures of grills, parties, and fruity drinks...this lady is ready for them.

A Word Of Advice From Yours Truly

After my mighty 'I love to be early to everything' spiel yesterday, I'm sounding like quite a hypocrite today when I tell you I am late to the Blog Every Day In May challenge hosted by the beautiful Jenni from the Story Of My Life blog. You've seen the posts over the last week from most of your favorite bloggers participating and I'm over here banging my head off the wall that a.) I didn't think of an idea like this and b.) I should have scheduled some posts ahead of time so I'd be on point every day. Oh well though, neither of those is here or there but I will say praise be it to Jenni for coming up with these topics and link up.

I'm finally starting to enjoy reading through my reader again where they're actual posts and well thought out words instead of the shilling of the millionth giveaway and omganewsponsor!! Don't get me wrong I love both of these from time to time and to each their own, but I am enjoying the more quality content type of posts that I've been seeing.

Moving along...todays challenge was to offer a piece of advice...anything at all.
I sat here and wracked my brain for what I could share and was drawing a complete blank for nearly a hour and a half, when it came to me.

My tattoo. My advice would be the tattoo that resides along my right rib cage and what I try to remember often myself.

Lean your head to the right and squint and maybe just imagine that you don't notice the stretch marks...mmkay?

But seriously...it reads:
Fear Not Thee Unknown

And is the best drunken Daytona Beach decision I've ever made.
A little backstory is that me and Tina (from yesterdays post) decided to drive to Daytona Beach back in our Florida days and after a few rum and diets smuggled on the beach, thought it would be a great idea to get tattoos. We wanted something with meaning and after drunkenly talking about our fears and how moving to Florida was scary but something that fatefully happened, we decided upon Fear Not Thee Unknown.

It's something I believe all of us struggle with.
Fearing the unknown.

Whether it be with embarking on a new path with ourselves, a new relationship, travelling, or big life decisions that are weighing on us heavily. Sure, they are and always will be fear around us but I advise that you don't let this fear hinder you. Fear keeps us complacent and with that life becomes mundane and boring. Sure, not knowing 'thee unknown' be it what it may is pretty effing scary but so is living your life in fear and not living to your full potential. It would be pretty scary if you woke up 20 years from now, working at the same dead end job, by yourself without any life experiences or adventures, just because you were afraid to take the leap and try something different and unknown to you. Am I right?

I'm not saying go batshit crazy and just start doing ridiculous things just for the hell of it, but step outside of your comfort zone and try something new. It may be unfamiliar but who knows, maybe' it' may be something you learn to enjoy and love over time. For instance.....blogging. None of us really knew what we were in for when we each started our respective blogs. Putting our life/words/pictures up for the whole internet to see is definitely scary but I know for many of us, the rewards outweigh the negatives that come along with this community.

So to you I say....fear not thee unknown, my friends. Tread safely but enjoy life and all it has to offer.

#lwbirthday weekend

I took a page out of my new blog fave Savannah's book and decided that I wanted to hashtag my birthday shenanigans this week. I don't know if it made any sense since I was the only one tweeting and instagramming my birthday. but it was my day and I wanted my own hashtag dammit ; ) 

But yes, Friday was my 27th birthday and I was all set and raring to go this weekend to celebrate. I like having my 'me' day and I love that B likes to spoil his lady on her special day. Whether I'm 7, 27. or 77...I will love my birthday and in one way or another celebrate. First thing Friday morning, I awoke to missed text messages and and phone calls on my phone from my parents and sisters. 

Hence the first picture face...

The day just got better from there though because once B got up he made me my favorite breakfast and then made me get ready to go out on my birthday day. A lunch at Taco Bell was first on the list since I wasn't counting calories and I needed to some quick grub for our mini road trip. Junk food is my language and I even mixed it up with some tacos and hushpuppies. Thank you merged Taco Bell and Long John Silver. 

We got on the road and after some jamming out in the car together we pulled up to a place we all love....TARGET!!! Winner winner chicken dinner....B took me on a mini shopping spree for my birthday. Food may be the way to his heart, but spring clothes are the way to mine. Just kidding, but really, whose going to turn down a shopping trip. Not me. I hopped on the mint trend with that pretty little cardigan up there and stocked up on some shorts, undies, and pretty shirts. I can't wait till it warms up so I can show them off. I might need a tan first but let's cross one bridge at a time.

Maybe it's me, but shopping was exhausting and by the time we made it to dinner at Red Lobster and I got my hands on some cheddar bay biscuits, I was pretty much done. It may not seem like anything fancy to some ladies but this day was perfect for me. I got to spend it with that handsome face, eat my favorite foods, and stock my closet. I'd call it a win. But it didn't end Friday because on Saturday night we headed to the gun club with B's buddies and got our drink on. 

I never thought I'd be the person to enjoy the gun club environment but cheap booze, good food, and fun people....yeah..I think I will be joining the leagues of B and becoming a member. We stayed there for a little and I watched the boys shoot pool but we headed to another bar later in the night so I could put my dancing shoes on and shake my birthday booty. I'm so glad B found a good group of guy friends here in PA and I absolutely love his buddies. After a couple beers and two shots of 151 we all got up on the dance floor and owned that shizz. 

We woke up Sunday morning sans hangovers and got to enjoy our morning on the patio soaking up the gorgeous weather and sunshine. Beautiful days like this after the wicked winter we had call for milkshake runs and B happily obliged then came home a grilled us up some BBQ chicken and corn on the cob.

It was a perfect weekend and a birthday not to be forgotten. 

Cheers to 27! 

27 Years Young

Ohhhhhhhh Happy Day...

You might not know but today 27 years ago, this pretty little face entered the world and brought all the sparkles and glitter that one maternity floor could handle. 

They say as you get older birthdays start to change and you stop caring about it so much but truth be told, I am still loving the shizz out of it. Sure it's not all party!party!party! like when I was in my early twenties but I still believe in celebrating your birthdays to some extent.

This is my special day and I think that if there is any day to be a little vain and self centered than today should be that day. B even took the day off of work to spend with me and woke up this morning to make me my favorite breakfast. It's the little things but all the tweets, texts, calls and hugs mean the world to me. I love knowing that I am loved (who wouldn't) and I will celebrating the shizz out of my birthday for as long as I can. That or until I have kiddos and they reign supreme! :)

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and for those who reached out to me today with happy birthday greetings and well wishes, thank you for the bottom of my heart. I puffy heart you girls.

And since it's still #backthatazzup Friday... here's my birthday edition:

Yeahhhhh.... you know what's up ; ) lol

5 Things I Learned About Zumba

It all started on New Year's Day, myself along with almost everybody else making vows to finally shed the weight this year and get our booties in shape. I say it every year, and always come June/July I am kicking myself in the ass for not buckling down and sticking to a good diet and exercise routine. Maybe I shouldn't have ate that whole pot of mac and cheese....maybe I shouldn't have indulged in yet another Snickers. The inner dialogue I have with my self is ridiculous yet I still don't push myself to really do the work. 

It wasn't until the miscarriage that I actually started to really think of my health and how it affects me and my hopeful future baby. For those short few days there was that glimmer of hope and the 'oh shit, I really need to straighten my shit up and watch what I eat...' thoughts and even when it ended, it stuck in the back of my mind that I needed to make a change. So with that I finally obliged and went to a Zumba class with my friend from work. 

I know that diet and exercise go hand in hand but I'm still working out the kinks in the 'eating right' department but I want to share with you a few little tid bits of my first Zumba experience. 

1. Over Confidence = You Looking Like An Asshole

Foolish, foolish Ivy. I was so naive and walked into that Zumba class with my head held high and ready to go. I knew how to dance, hell I spent the better part of my early 20's in the Orlando clubs shaking what my mama gave me. I was confident that I would rock the face off Zumba and maybe end up teaching the class by the end of the hour but I was WRONG! SO WRONG!

3 songs in and I wanted to die. There I am, the youngest one in class and I am about to keel over from exhaustion. I'm pretty sure the 50 year old lady next to me was giving me the stink eye as she shimmied and shook her weighted Zumba maracas but I was one leg kick away from my grave. That surely knocked me down a couple of notches.

2. Leg - Eye Coordination Is Not My Strong Suit

Since I wasn't going to let old Mary Maracas over there beat me, I took a few gulps of water and started kicking up my heels ready to sweat the skinnies out of me. Arm shake here, spin around in a circle there and then bing!bang!boom! kriss cross your legs then do a high kick but then switch to the other leg on the next beat then spin again and contemplate murdering your stupid legs because WHY THE EFF ARE THEY NOT WORKING?!?  It has come to my attention that I do not have any leg-eye coordination, friends. Trying to watch the instructor on stage then mimic her movements all while dancing a ridiculous jig and trying not to fall flat on your face is a feat I barely won. #legfail

3. Wear Breathable Clothing

I made the mistake of wearing heavy sweatpants and wowsers, holy swamp ass Batman. Then again, maybe I peed myself....things got hazy there for a minute. ; )

4. Singing Is Frowned Upon

There were a couple of pretty current songs and I caught myself a few times in the heat of the moment, busting out my best Mariah Carey. Looks as though, that kind of thing is not really encouraged but you know what I say...the hell with em'. If B has to listen to me howl in the car then these ladies get the pleasure while I sweat my butt off. Bee tee dubs....I also understand why performers use backtracks while they sing and dance. Doing both is crazy hard on that little thing called breathing.

5. Those Club Days Paid Off On A Few Songs

I would say I'm a pretty decent dancer but where I shined at Zumba was on the Reggae and Soca songs. Having danced my nights away at Tabu and Cairo back in the day, I am one white girl that can get down to some Dutty Wine and Pop, Lock, & Drop it with the best of them. Booty shakin' is where I sparkle!

I plan on keeping up with it and hopefully with some time I can get the moves down and not die in the process. Wish me luck, tonight will be my second night.

Have you tried Zumba?!?

If so, how did you like it?!?

The Post I Didn't Intend To Write.

This post was not the post I intended to write as you can imagine by the title. 

What was supposed to be a entry of happiness and giddiness, quickly turned into something quite different and though I share many things on this blog, including deeply personal stories, this one has by far been the hardest. 

For the past six months, B and I have been trying to conceive a baby. 

I might have made passing comments or tweeted here and there about it, but full disclosure was not something I was ready to share yet. We've been trying since our honeymoon in July and with each comment from a family member or friend, we've blown it off and decided to tell people we weren't ready yet. When in fact, we were ready. We were more than ready. We've been waiting years and now that we were finally in a good place financially and in our marriage, we were just waiting for the magic to happen. 

I can go into a lengthy explanation about why we didn't share our intentions, but to put it bluntly...we didn't want to share anything until there was something to share. 

Fast forward to Valentine's Day 2013. 

For a few weeks prior, something about myself had been feeling off. I had been crazy tired, had extremely sore boobs., and a period that was no where in sight. I didn't want to hype myself because after sitting in the bathroom 4 other times staring blankly at a EPT that said 'not pregnant', I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment again. But on Valentine's Day, after reading two other pregnancy announcements and having period that was now working on 11 days late, I thought ...what the hell, let me just see. 

I left work that day and on the ride home, I stopped at Rite Aid to grab a few V-Day goodies for B, along with a pack of pregnancy tests to try my luck on. I walked in the door and smooched B while giving him his bag full of V-Day treats. He then, walked me into the dining room, where he had my gifts set up and arranged awaiting for me to see. I fawned over the adorable teddy bear he got me, along with the tulips, chocolates, and card but really I was one tracked minded and wanting to get into the bathroom ASAP. I excused myself while he played video games, and snuck off under the guise of pooping (yeah...we all do it..) to go pee on that stick of uncertainty.

In all honesty, I was expecting it to say not pregnant, since I've been fooled by my body a couple times before but I was shocked and as tear streamed down my face, I looked down to see that it actually said pregnant. The one word that I have been longing to see was finally right in front of me. I dreamed about the day that this would happen and how I would do something super cutesy to surprise B with but in that moment, a thousand things were going through my mind and I had to gather myself in the bathroom before he came looking for me. This was it. It was Valentine's Day. That in itself would be a good enough story to share, of how we found out. So I stuck the stick in my hoodie and as B sat chilling on the couch still engrossed in his video game, I anxiously walked into the living room, exclaimed that 'I forgot one other gift...'  and handed off the pregnancy test to him. Pure shock came over his face. Eyes wide. Mouth open. Hands on face. The mofo was seriously stunned. I think he thought it was some sort of Valentine's Day joke, but as he watched me choke back tears, the reality of it set in.

We were going to be parents. 

Excitedly, I called the clinic the next day to tell them that I had a positive pregnancy test and to schedule my first appointment. When asked if I was bleeding...I said yes but only light spotting which I heard was normal in the first stages of pregnancy sometimes. The nurse instructed me to come and get bloodwork done,  in the mean time, so they could track my levels and make sure everything was on course. 

I did as I was told and on Saturday, B and I went out to eat with his friends. Not feeling too hot after dinner, I had B drop me off at home and I told him to stay out with his friends and enjoy himself. I figured I would just chill on the couch and rest but things took a turn for the worst when I went to the bathroom later that night and (TMI ALERT) wiped to find more blood and a large blood clot. In hindsight, I believe that was me actually miscarrying but since I've never experienced this before, I called the doctor the next morning and he told me he wanted me in first thing Monday morning. 

Foolishly, I tried to go to work but only a few minutes in and an a painfully tearful explanation later (not the whole story but the gist) to my boss, and I was sent home. Time passed and around 10:40am it was time to go to the doctor. In short, he checked me, told me my levels had risen over the weekend but not alot, and for the next four days I was to be on 'pelvic rest' and excused from work. So I sat. And layed. And got blood taken every two days to check where I was at. B was amazing. He doted on me and made sure I was more than comfortable and had everything I needed. Anytime I even tried to step foot off the couch, he would badger me to lay back down. 

We had a faint glimmer of hope that this might all work out and we'd actually be blessed with our baby but on Thursday as I went to get more bloodwork done, I decided I wanted to ask the nurse if she would check my levels to see where they were at. I waited all day for a call back from them, and finally at 4:10p.m. the call came. 

My levels had dropped. And had continued to drop. 

Slowly but surely, my body was ending this pregnancy. 

My heart sank and my face flooded with tears as she told me, that yes, I was miscarrying but they still wanted to check my blood and have me come in for another appointment. I sat there in shock and in sadness as I sobbed into B's shirt. My eyes burnt as hot tears rolled down my cheeks and B just held me tight and let me cry it out. And I cried. And then cried some more. My throat knotted as I choked back the tears and the news that I dreaded the most. 

It's hitting me hard. Even though I wasn't very far along (roughly 6 weeks) and I had just learned about it the week prior, I feel like a part of me has been stripped away. I feel like a failure. To myself. To my body. To my husband. And most importantly, to my would have been baby. Why couldn't my body do what it's naturally suppose to do? Why would I get a blessing and then have it so quickly ripped away? Why is that when you want something the most, it's the hardest to attain?

I'm hurting. My heart the worst. 

People can say...'Oh it'll happen...it's in God's time...things happen for a reason...etc.' but it doesn't make the pain any easier. I know that I'm not the first and certainly won't be the last to go through this and yes, I know I should be grateful that I can even get pregnant in the first place but I'm just having a hard time seeing through the clouds right now. My heart goes out for anyone struggling with infertility, for the women who have been trying wayyy longer than us and those who have suffered the loss of a child in any stage. 

So if you pondered my absence over the last week, this is where I was at. 

I debated even pushing publish on this, but if I'm recording my life's events here, then I want to keep true to my form and document one of the toughest times along with the happy times. I'm choosing to move forward and to try to embrace the positive of life. 

I will continue to work on myself, my health, and my marriage in hopes that we can bring a child into our lives in an even better place. 

8 Changes.

Since I got a cases of the realsies yesterday and went a little emo on you all, I thought I would elaborate on what kind of changes this Little Woman is making in regards picking up the broken pieces of me. 

So without further adieu...

1. Quit Smoking 

I am/was a smoker and it is something that needs/needed to be changed drastically. I started smoking as a teenager and it is hands down the habit I wish I never picked up. It seriously is an addiction and I didn't really realize how hard it would be to quit. It needs to happen though. Not only is it draining my bank account, but it is also affecting my health and with wanting to start a family, it is something I need to get away from....for good.

2. Get Healthy

So vague right? But I don't want to just say, I want to lose X amount of pounds and I'll be all happy and healthy. Ka-boom. No, I don't want it to work like that. I know that no matter how much weight I lose, I'm a girl, and I will never be happy. What I want to embrace though, is a healthy lifestyle. Sure I intend and could benefit from shedding a couple pounds but I want to become more active and make better eating choices that I can stick with for the long term. 

3. Gussy Myself Up

You know that point in a relationship where you become 'comfortable' and start not putting that much effort into your appearance or the way you look? No, you're all still sexy ladies...okay nevermind. But seriously....I became that girl and I need to change. I want to start putting on makeup more, styling my hair in anything other then a bun, and getting a sense of style and owning it. I want to look sexy as a confident boost for myself and want my husband to not be able to keep his hands off of me. Meowww. 

4. Manage My Finances Better

It's not like they're bad now, but because of naive and foolish decisions in my late teens/early twenties, I have some issues that need to be addressed and out of my hair once and for all. I want to build up my credit and have a score and report I can be 'proud' of. This can be alternately titled 10 Ways of Being A Grownup. (hmmm....new post perhaps?)  

5. Dance More

I used to lurvvvveeeee to dance. I would be dancing up a storm and kicking up the dust whenever the opportunity arose. I want to get into that more. I love it for the exercise but let's call a spade a spade and admit that I enjoy anytime I can shake my ass. In the wise words of Shakira, these hips don't lie. ; ) 

6. Write More

I'm not the best writer nor do I have the best grammar but this is also a creative outlet, I would love to get back into. I used to write stories and in diaries as a kid (and really a little later than that...) and even won a few writing assignments in my day (hard to believe right?). I might not get all my thoughts and everything out on here but I want to doodle and just let the ink flow from my pen or words from my fingers as I type. It's freeing for me to get some things out, anywhere. 

7. Organize My Life

Another general swoop but then let me explain none the less. I want to organize my car, my house, my pictures, my paperwork and pretty much anything underneath the sun that I could organize. I've been feeling disorganized all across the board and it is a irritating feeling to have, so it's time to clean and unclutter house. I blame the move for it, but now it's time to suck it up and start getting through all of these boxes.

8. Have More Sex

OMG! I mentioned S-E-X on the B-L-O-G.

Ring the alarms!!

Haha.

I know this is a relatively private topic and one that is not discussed much in the blog world but considering that half the blogworld is preggers, I see no reason why any of you should balk at such a subject. (*coughIknowyoubeeziesarebumpingugliestoocough*) But yes, I love sex. I love sex with my husband. Sex makes me happy. Happy equals a better me. Amirite?!? Win win....and I know B is not complaining. ; )

I'm sure there is more but let's not get ahead of ourselves. 

The Insecure Me.

It's a hard thing to do. 

To look in the mirror at yourself and not be comfortable with who you are. 

Who is this person? Where did the old Ivy go? Where am I at? 

Those have been questions that have haunted me in the past. Questions that I could not easily answer by myself or about myself. I was stuck in a rut with myself trying to figure out where I am and what kind of woman I was coming to be, and the sad cold truth was....I was becoming a very insecure person and it was starting to affect all aspects of my life. 

Not only did it affect my relationships with family and friends, where they noticed differences in me but also my own well being and my marriage. The once strong and will powered Ivy, was now a shadow of her former self who was disgusted and pretty much revolted by myself. I ate my feelings and gained weight and that in turn made me self conscious when I was naked in front of my husband and made our sex life stagnant and my attitude shitty. I questioned why he wanted to be with me, did he think I was beautiful, did he think he could do better than me. I constantly needed reaffirmations that I was good enough and let me tell you, it was exhausting. 

Not only emotionally for myself, but for Bryan who constantly felt like he was having to prove himself and me to me. Does that make sense? I needed his constant approval on things. Stupid things. Petty things. Things that I could easily choose and should have chosen for myself but felt so insecure and incapable that I didn't feel like I could handle making any decisions on my own. It was a horrible time. I don't know how I fell so fast but I really started hating myself and knew I was going to lose my self completely if I didn't get my shit together, and soon. 

That was a breaking point in me and Bryan's relationship. 

In the past where I talked about those 'less thank sparkly' times.

These were it. 

These were the days that I felt like shit. Where I would cry at the drop of a dime. Where I really feared for the future of my marriage and honestly my sanity. 

Bry laid it out on the table. He missed the old Ivy. He missed the sassy mouthed, straight talking, carefree, confident woman he met and fell in love with. He missed the girl who was able to make a decision, stick to it, and not make any apologies for it. And I missed her too. I didn't want to be the jealous wife, depressed daughter, silent sister and all the other negative connotations that came along with this crappy 'new' me.  

And with my heart and health on the line. 

I knew I needed to make a change before I lost myself, my husband, and my relationships with the people I love. This is not easy to share, as taking a hard look at yourself and not liking it, is not something anyone wants to do but it's needed. 

I need to grow. I need to choose happiness. I need to get my ass in gear and stop making excuses and living in fear. I need to learn how to be me again. 

Albeit, hopefully a much better and improved one. 

*** 

Do you struggle with insecurity? How do you deal? 

Loss Of Light, Gain Of Pounds.

It's that time of year again, my friends...

please excuse the ratchet ass house and garage behind my house...we all don't live in paradise..lol

When the sun starts setting at 3:30p.m. and the light is quickly fading from my sunshine loving hands. 

I love fall and I am a freak for Christmas but it always makes me sad this time of year when the light is all but gone when I get home from work and it feels like 9 when it is actually 6. 

It makes me tired. And bored. And hungry. And lazy. And cold. 

All of things that make me a chubby weepy mess come springtime when I step on the scale to fifteen extra pounds. Bleh. Nobody likes THAT girl. 

So this year, I'm going to make a goal for myself to not eat my seasonal feelings during these dark winter days.

Which may prove to be harder than I think, since Thanksgiving and Christmas.....just scream 'EAT ME, YOU KNOW I'M DELISH BISH!'

Wish me luck. 

If You Really Knew Me...

I've seen this floating around for the last couple weeks and probably months and I figured what the hell, miswell be the millionth person to do it, and c'mon, don't lie....you know you want to know a little more about moi : ) 

So here goes nothing...

If You Really Knew....

.....you'd know that I was named after my great grandmother. 

.....but you'd also know that wasn't my original first name

....my name before what it is now was Serena Lorraine

.....f.y.i. I like my name now much better

....I also didn't meet my dad, brother, and sister till I was 12

.....I can't stand the sound of nails being filed, it's like nails on a chalkboard to me

...... I also hate when people rest their hand on my shoulder, it seriously gives me the willies

......My sister, mom, and me all have a beauty mark in the same exact place

.....I went to school for Elementary Education, but never finished because I lost a majority of my credits when I moved to Pennsylvania

.....Though I would love to, I honestly don't think I will go back to school now

....I do not plan to stay at my current job forever though

......My dream now would be to venture into photography (like a million other bloggers) or to work with children in some avenue

.....I would also love to be a stay at home mom when the time comes, bu t I don't know if we'd be able to swing that at this point in our lives

......Yes, Big Man and I would love to have some babes, soon. 

.....I would love to have 3-4 but Big Man is settled at having two. Will see how it goes, I might be done after one....haha. 

......It's 5:25 a.m. and bleh,  I still have two more days of work

....Now I have to head to work and wrap this up.....womp. womp. 

Let me know if you want to know anything more.

XOXO, 

LW

Blog Star

Hola to your sweet faces stopping over from Mrs. Monologues Blog Star link up and if your just getting settled from the weekend, any of the fine folks I met at BlogHer '12. 

It's only fitting since this might be your first time here that I introduce myself and give you a little dish on what this whole Little Woman, Little Home thing is about....

First things first....

I'm Little Woman

(obviously) 

And if I met you at BlogHer and this confuses you, you come to find out that in this little neck of my woods, the hubs and I go by nicknames. Mine being that and the hubs who we lovingly refer to as...

Big Man

(my sexy chocolate bear....meow!) 

Want to know a little more about us?!?

- We're newlyweds and will celebrate our first anniversary in 20 days!!!

- We're moving into our first home (and the new Little Home) in September. 

- We have a precious pup Mia who is the chunkiest little thing there ever was. 

- We're DINK's as of right now

- In the meantime I enjoy all the wine and fruity cocktails my little ♥ desires

- I've developed a love and passion for photography, it's a work in progress. 

- Christmas is my all time favorite holiday and I will judge you on your love of Christmas as well...or pretty much whatever you honor....c'mon, it's a celebration bishes!! : ) 

I could tell you more but what's the fun in that...Mama likes to leave a little mystery. : )

I'm a maker of hot messes with a blog to show for it, I hope you enjoy!!! 

***

And to the LWLH veterans, regular programming will resume shortly, damn has it been a busy summer. 

This One's For You...

Gina, I'm talking to you mama. 

A couple of days ago when a bunch of us ladies we're tweeting throughout the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, a conversation started between a group us regarding accents. Seeing all the different countries, sweet Gina chimed in that she would love to have an accent, to which I replied that I was jealous of my husbands Caribbean accent.

G being unaware of the this fact, respond back with this funny gem....

and for the record we are both happily married to our B's....haha 

Anywho, I shared this hilariousness with Big Man and boy, I enjoyed seeing this black man blush : ) 

But guess what else I did?!?!

HAD HIM AGREE TO DO A VLOG!!!! 

***sqqquuuueeeeaaalllll***\

Yep, the hubster is onboard and ready to go on the video blog front and I will be making my debut as well. 

Because I'm a greedy beeyotch though, I couldn't allow Big Man to make his debut via vlog on my blog before I did so we're going to tag team this shizzz..

And here's the catch....

You fine females get to ask us whatever your little hearts desire and we will give the answers to the best of our ability....and Big Man we'll even throw the accent for ya! 

I'm warning you, that this will most likely be the HOTTEST MESS to rival hot messes but you asked for it. 

So bring on the questions!!!

****

I'll take questions till next Monday and then we'll record it next week, so get them in quick. : ) 

I'm Baccccccccccckkkkk!!!

Hello my sexiest of loves!!! 

Did you miss me?!? 

my kissy face doesn't translate well...

I'd be lying if I said I missed you because honestly, I was having the time of my life for the last 7 days.

(ok, so I missed your faces a itsy bitsy bit)

This trip was nothing short of ahhhhmazing and I am so glad Big Man and I waited to celebrate our honeymoon because this trip went off without a hitch and blew me away on every level. 

You know I took a assload of pictures and I am weeding through them now picking out the best ones to post.  If you're not one for picture posts and recaps then I suggest you stay away from LWLH for a tad since I will be taking you through almost every part of this vacay, minus the dirty stuff  *wink*.

Every port was beautiful and rich with its own history and I can't wait to dive in and show you.   

I sadly have to go back to work tomorrow (boooo!) and between that and working on some fun designs, I may be lacking in the reading for a minute. But rest assure, I will try to get back in blog groove sooner rather than later. 

***

I also want to take this opportunity to thank all the girls who took over Little Woman, Little Home this past week. They did an amazing job and if you missed any of their posts, catch up with them here.  

Thanks again loves....big sloppy smooches to all of you!!!

And welcome to some of the new faces I see in my GFC....I hope you like it here  : ) 

Getting My Sexy On...

I still have yet to post my vlog for Hope Squared's What's In Your Closet Link Up but in the mean time, I thought I'd show to two of the dresses I picked up while Big Man and I were 'cruise clothes' shopping, or as normal people call it....summer clothes shopping. 

And yes, I was laid off and yes we did get a decent amount of clothes, but remember kids....you get pretty things when you save your pennies. 

Take a look at my two lovelies...

I am absolutely in love with the dress on left and for only $17 at good ol' Marshall's....hells to the effin' yeah. 

I see all these fierce fashionable bloggers wearing these lace/eyelet one shoulder dresses and after almost no deliberation I put this sucker on and fell in love. 

I'm not the hottest thing to trot but I'm tooting my own horn on this one, because I feel awesome in this. 

A little Spanx and this mamacita will be good to go while dining with my love on the cruise. 

***

The second dress, I was a little ehh on because of the crazy print, but I figured the hell with it and decided to go out of my comfort zone on this one. It has that funky Aztec print and let me tell you it is pretty damn comfy and the pockets are def. a plus too. It was on clearance at Target so why not. It wasn't like I was going to leave empty handed. 

I have a bunch more that I would love to share via the vlog or pictures but in a way I kinda want to surprise you all with the pictures from the honeymoon when I will be glowing and tan, unlike my pasty white skin now. 

Trust me....no one wants to see that.

...

Calm Before The Storm

Lately, we've been receiving some pretty wicked weather here and along with the actual rain came a flood of emotions on my part yesterday. Maybe I'm getting my lady friend but yesterday my emotions were stirring inside of me with the fever of a thousand tornadoes. 

To know me is to love me and if you are a close confidant of mine you know that it is extremely hard for me to let down my guard and reveal my true emotions. I would much rather bottle it all up and keep it inside as to not disturb the peace of anyone else. People have enough problems and are going through way worse without me adding my shit and if I'm being completely honest, I don't want to be considered a weak person. 

I had a wonderful yet very rough childhood growing up which considerably molded me to who I am today. When others were crumbling around me, I was always considered the 'strong one' and the one who would persevere through whatever circumstances came along. For a long time and even in times now I relished in that role and let this 'strength' really hold me up to who I was. You weren't going to see me cry...because I was 'stronger' than that and cockiness even led me to believe I was better than that. 

I was always the one to comfort people when they cried.

Be considered their rock. 

I wanted to hold everything together and be the happy, strong Ivy everyone expected me to be. 

But it's fucking hard man. 

And yesterday confirmed that even further. 

After getting some very joyous news that my cousin was pregnant and after hugging and giving congratulations, a wave of mixed emotions rushed over me. I was happy for her yes, of course, because I love her dearly and know she will be an awesome mom but I was also sad about the decisions I've made and that I still have trouble dealing with, apparently. 

 I made a decision. I terminated a pregnancy as a teenager and I still deal with the repercussions of that decision till this day. 

Do I regret my decision?

Sometimes.

Do I think I made the right decision at the time, under the circumstances?

Yes. 

I wouldn't be the person I am today, be with the wonderful man I'm with, had the life experiences I've had if I hadn't made that decision. 

Would I ever do it again?

Absolutely not.

I know this is the hottest of hot topics and many of you might look down on me or not want to be friends with me after this (I've shared a sliver before on here) but I want you to realize that atleast for me, this is the most largest struggle of my life and is a decision that still haunts me to this day. I still believe that women have the right to do what they want with their bodies and am still pro-choice but what you experience will never ever leave you. 

After reading a beautiful friends truthful post it made me hate myself a bit because of so many of you desperately wanting a child and there I sat with my sorta secret, feeling like I couldn't contribute anything and not wanting a new found friend to hate me. And yesterday again, those disgusting feelings came back. Here I am celebrating another beautiful life coming into our family and all I could think about was my 8 year old angel and praying to God that I won't be punished for this when Big Man and I start trying. Hopefully one day I will be able to move past this, but today is not that day.

There's no point to this post. 

I don't need any support or hate.

It's just something that has weighed on my heart really heavy yesterday and I needed to just let it spill out. 

This is me.....weak.

The Many Faces Of LW...

Your welcome, world!

♥
(this is what happens when your bored on a Saturday night) 

The Bad Side Of Being Happy

Lately, I have really been contemplating myself and Big Man's life.....

In a good way. 

Do you ever get that feeling sometimes when things are going so good, that your expecting something bad to happen eventually and your as they say 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'?!? No? Pessimist much?

Well that is how I am feeling lately and I need a swift kick to get me out of this funk. 

With little hope when we first moved to Pennsylvania, this move has been the most beneficial move we've ever made for ourselves. Ever since the beginning the odds have seemed to be in our favor and thankfully it has been turning out that way. 

Here's a little synopsis of our 'good luck': 

- Had a free place to stay ala the 'rents when we first moved up from Florida

- My BIL's brother just happened to be moving to another house just a couple of months after we got up here and we were able to rent his house.

- Big Man found a job pretty quickly and I found one within 3 months. 

- Higher pay than we had in Florida and better health benefits. 

- Got married with the help and love of our family. 

And now...

- We are being offered a new home at a great price and with the space we will need to expand our family 

- And we will be trying for a wee one in the not so distant future.

I feel like an a-hole for being all Debbie Downer about it but I feel like things are just going too good to be true and someone is going to come and pull the rug from under us soon. 

I'm being a weirdo, right?

With so many people out there not being so fortunate (with jobs, homes, what have you) , I feel like I'm being ungrateful for having these mixed feeling about it all. I truly want to enjoy all that we have, but this little irk is telling me not to get too excited to quickly. 

I'm going to try to kick this feeling though. 

I feel like if you think badly, bad things will  start to happen but if you think positive, your 'good luck' will keep up and I certainly wouldn't mind that. Not sure what the point of this post was but I guess I just had to get this off my chest in hopes of getting rid of these negative vibes. 

Do you ever get like this?!?

If so, how do you combat it?