The Post I Didn't Intend To Write.

This post was not the post I intended to write as you can imagine by the title. 

What was supposed to be a entry of happiness and giddiness, quickly turned into something quite different and though I share many things on this blog, including deeply personal stories, this one has by far been the hardest. 

For the past six months, B and I have been trying to conceive a baby. 

I might have made passing comments or tweeted here and there about it, but full disclosure was not something I was ready to share yet. We've been trying since our honeymoon in July and with each comment from a family member or friend, we've blown it off and decided to tell people we weren't ready yet. When in fact, we were ready. We were more than ready. We've been waiting years and now that we were finally in a good place financially and in our marriage, we were just waiting for the magic to happen. 

I can go into a lengthy explanation about why we didn't share our intentions, but to put it bluntly...we didn't want to share anything until there was something to share. 

Fast forward to Valentine's Day 2013. 

For a few weeks prior, something about myself had been feeling off. I had been crazy tired, had extremely sore boobs., and a period that was no where in sight. I didn't want to hype myself because after sitting in the bathroom 4 other times staring blankly at a EPT that said 'not pregnant', I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment again. But on Valentine's Day, after reading two other pregnancy announcements and having period that was now working on 11 days late, I thought ...what the hell, let me just see. 

I left work that day and on the ride home, I stopped at Rite Aid to grab a few V-Day goodies for B, along with a pack of pregnancy tests to try my luck on. I walked in the door and smooched B while giving him his bag full of V-Day treats. He then, walked me into the dining room, where he had my gifts set up and arranged awaiting for me to see. I fawned over the adorable teddy bear he got me, along with the tulips, chocolates, and card but really I was one tracked minded and wanting to get into the bathroom ASAP. I excused myself while he played video games, and snuck off under the guise of pooping (yeah...we all do it..) to go pee on that stick of uncertainty.

In all honesty, I was expecting it to say not pregnant, since I've been fooled by my body a couple times before but I was shocked and as tear streamed down my face, I looked down to see that it actually said pregnant. The one word that I have been longing to see was finally right in front of me. I dreamed about the day that this would happen and how I would do something super cutesy to surprise B with but in that moment, a thousand things were going through my mind and I had to gather myself in the bathroom before he came looking for me. This was it. It was Valentine's Day. That in itself would be a good enough story to share, of how we found out. So I stuck the stick in my hoodie and as B sat chilling on the couch still engrossed in his video game, I anxiously walked into the living room, exclaimed that 'I forgot one other gift...'  and handed off the pregnancy test to him. Pure shock came over his face. Eyes wide. Mouth open. Hands on face. The mofo was seriously stunned. I think he thought it was some sort of Valentine's Day joke, but as he watched me choke back tears, the reality of it set in.

We were going to be parents. 

Excitedly, I called the clinic the next day to tell them that I had a positive pregnancy test and to schedule my first appointment. When asked if I was bleeding...I said yes but only light spotting which I heard was normal in the first stages of pregnancy sometimes. The nurse instructed me to come and get bloodwork done,  in the mean time, so they could track my levels and make sure everything was on course. 

I did as I was told and on Saturday, B and I went out to eat with his friends. Not feeling too hot after dinner, I had B drop me off at home and I told him to stay out with his friends and enjoy himself. I figured I would just chill on the couch and rest but things took a turn for the worst when I went to the bathroom later that night and (TMI ALERT) wiped to find more blood and a large blood clot. In hindsight, I believe that was me actually miscarrying but since I've never experienced this before, I called the doctor the next morning and he told me he wanted me in first thing Monday morning. 

Foolishly, I tried to go to work but only a few minutes in and an a painfully tearful explanation later (not the whole story but the gist) to my boss, and I was sent home. Time passed and around 10:40am it was time to go to the doctor. In short, he checked me, told me my levels had risen over the weekend but not alot, and for the next four days I was to be on 'pelvic rest' and excused from work. So I sat. And layed. And got blood taken every two days to check where I was at. B was amazing. He doted on me and made sure I was more than comfortable and had everything I needed. Anytime I even tried to step foot off the couch, he would badger me to lay back down. 

We had a faint glimmer of hope that this might all work out and we'd actually be blessed with our baby but on Thursday as I went to get more bloodwork done, I decided I wanted to ask the nurse if she would check my levels to see where they were at. I waited all day for a call back from them, and finally at 4:10p.m. the call came. 

My levels had dropped. And had continued to drop. 

Slowly but surely, my body was ending this pregnancy. 

My heart sank and my face flooded with tears as she told me, that yes, I was miscarrying but they still wanted to check my blood and have me come in for another appointment. I sat there in shock and in sadness as I sobbed into B's shirt. My eyes burnt as hot tears rolled down my cheeks and B just held me tight and let me cry it out. And I cried. And then cried some more. My throat knotted as I choked back the tears and the news that I dreaded the most. 

It's hitting me hard. Even though I wasn't very far along (roughly 6 weeks) and I had just learned about it the week prior, I feel like a part of me has been stripped away. I feel like a failure. To myself. To my body. To my husband. And most importantly, to my would have been baby. Why couldn't my body do what it's naturally suppose to do? Why would I get a blessing and then have it so quickly ripped away? Why is that when you want something the most, it's the hardest to attain?

I'm hurting. My heart the worst. 

People can say...'Oh it'll happen...it's in God's time...things happen for a reason...etc.' but it doesn't make the pain any easier. I know that I'm not the first and certainly won't be the last to go through this and yes, I know I should be grateful that I can even get pregnant in the first place but I'm just having a hard time seeing through the clouds right now. My heart goes out for anyone struggling with infertility, for the women who have been trying wayyy longer than us and those who have suffered the loss of a child in any stage. 

So if you pondered my absence over the last week, this is where I was at. 

I debated even pushing publish on this, but if I'm recording my life's events here, then I want to keep true to my form and document one of the toughest times along with the happy times. I'm choosing to move forward and to try to embrace the positive of life. 

I will continue to work on myself, my health, and my marriage in hopes that we can bring a child into our lives in an even better place.