Lately, we've been receiving some pretty wicked weather here and along with the actual rain came a flood of emotions on my part yesterday. Maybe I'm getting my lady friend but yesterday my emotions were stirring inside of me with the fever of a thousand tornadoes.
To know me is to love me and if you are a close confidant of mine you know that it is extremely hard for me to let down my guard and reveal my true emotions. I would much rather bottle it all up and keep it inside as to not disturb the peace of anyone else. People have enough problems and are going through way worse without me adding my shit and if I'm being completely honest, I don't want to be considered a weak person.
I had a wonderful yet very rough childhood growing up which considerably molded me to who I am today. When others were crumbling around me, I was always considered the 'strong one' and the one who would persevere through whatever circumstances came along. For a long time and even in times now I relished in that role and let this 'strength' really hold me up to who I was. You weren't going to see me cry...because I was 'stronger' than that and cockiness even led me to believe I was better than that.
I was always the one to comfort people when they cried.
Be considered their rock.
I wanted to hold everything together and be the happy, strong Ivy everyone expected me to be.
But it's fucking hard man.
And yesterday confirmed that even further.
After getting some very joyous news that my cousin was pregnant and after hugging and giving congratulations, a wave of mixed emotions rushed over me. I was happy for her yes, of course, because I love her dearly and know she will be an awesome mom but I was also sad about the decisions I've made and that I still have trouble dealing with, apparently.
I made a decision. I terminated a pregnancy as a teenager and I still deal with the repercussions of that decision till this day.
Do I regret my decision?
Sometimes.
Do I think I made the right decision at the time, under the circumstances?
Yes.
I wouldn't be the person I am today, be with the wonderful man I'm with, had the life experiences I've had if I hadn't made that decision.
Would I ever do it again?
Absolutely not.
I know this is the hottest of hot topics and many of you might look down on me or not want to be friends with me after this (I've shared a sliver before on here) but I want you to realize that atleast for me, this is the most largest struggle of my life and is a decision that still haunts me to this day. I still believe that women have the right to do what they want with their bodies and am still pro-choice but what you experience will never ever leave you.
After reading a beautiful friends truthful post it made me hate myself a bit because of so many of you desperately wanting a child and there I sat with my sorta secret, feeling like I couldn't contribute anything and not wanting a new found friend to hate me. And yesterday again, those disgusting feelings came back. Here I am celebrating another beautiful life coming into our family and all I could think about was my 8 year old angel and praying to God that I won't be punished for this when Big Man and I start trying. Hopefully one day I will be able to move past this, but today is not that day.
There's no point to this post.
I don't need any support or hate.
It's just something that has weighed on my heart really heavy yesterday and I needed to just let it spill out.
This is me.....weak.
37 comments:
*hugs* Everybody makes tough choices. They help shape us in to the people we are today, but we shouldn't let them define us. Don't feel bad for wanting to share your story. You aren't doing it to be malicious or to hurt others. Everyone has a story they need to tell.
Girly, you will NOT be punished for this. We've all made decisions we regret. And no one, absolutely NO ONE, has any right to judge you for decisions you made for YOU.
And you having this experience in no way had any direct impact on your friend and her fertility issues. Will it make you feel guilty? Sure. But only if you let it. We all love you just the same.
And let it ALL out when you need to. I'll always be ready with a virtual hug/shoulder to cry on. :) XOXO
Girly, you will NOT be punished for this. We've all made decisions we regret. And no one, absolutely NO ONE, has any right to judge you for decisions you made for YOU.
And you having this experience in no way had any direct impact on your friend and her fertility issues. Will it make you feel guilty? Sure. But only if you let it. We all love you just the same.
And let it ALL out when you need to. I'll always be ready with a virtual hug/shoulder to cry on. :) XOXO
You are NOT weak at all.
It takes a very strong person to go through what you went though.
Even with my infertility I still respect the decisions of other women.
My own sister terminated a pregnancy when she was 18. She was single after getting out of a toxic relationship, living in an absolute shithole, was juggling working full time and putting herself through university. It was the right decision for her at the time and although I know she regrets the decision she made, she wouldn't be where she is today. In a great relationship, a fantastic career, a beautiful house she owns and the chance to become a parent when she is ready, on her own terms. (and without an absolute tool of an ex in her life forever)
love your guts from all the way over here.
xxxx
My mom used to work at a women's center, counseling women who had abortions and then dealing with the feelings/repercussions of emotions later. You may want to look into if something like that exists around you? It's good to process those emotions and feelings and most of all, forgive yourself. Thanks for being honest, lady. xo
Both of my best friends have been in your boat, and I know you die a little when you think about what happen a long time ago. But people change and you're older now and better able to make decisions that are right for you.
It's OK to be weak, we all are, even if we don't show it often.
You're very brave -- nothing about you is weak! Many women have had similar experiences and keep it personal. You are a rockstar for sharing your story (and your pain). You're definitely brave and very honest. You'll get through this!
That has got to be one of the hardest decisions a person has to EVER make. We all love your regardless and you are still the same person...and you will be an awesome mama some day! Everything happens for a reason and all will be as it should! LOVE YA! Becky
With anything in life, only you know what is best for you (aside from God, of course) at whatever time. Whatever has happened in your past, or anyone's, if someone chooses to look down on you or label you, that's on them, not you. All you can do is be genuine and comfortable in your own skin, and hope that people understand - but if they don't, that's not for you to fix.
You are an incredible woman, and very blessed right where you are today.
Aw hun, I really hope you can find some peace with yourself. You did what you thought was best at the time and with something like this, you can only learn from the past. I can't say I know how you feel or the exact right words to say, but I know that in all situations it takes you coming to terms with it. I'm here if you ever want to talk, no need to always be the strong one.
If I could reach through my computer screen and give you a hug I would. You are amazing for sharing your story. I know many people that have been put through what you are going through and there is no right answers. I do know that you are not going to be punished for anything in your past. What will be, will be and it is all in His timing and according to His plan. Love and Hugs to you my friend.
You are strong and brave and I don't see you as weak at all!!! I heart you girl, hugs!!!!
Being honest and open and feeling your emotions is not being weak. It takes a strong person to admit what you did.
Do I agree with your choice? No
Do I understand it? Very much so
Do I hate you for it? Never
Thank you for sharing, I know it had to have been hard.
And on another topic, those photos are stunning! I miss living in an area that gets amazing storm cloud coverage like that.
Everyone needs to break down sometimes. You can't ALWAYS be the rock and that's okay. I've seen enough teen mom and have enough common sense to know that the life of teen mom can be pretty crappy. You did what was right for you at the time and there is nothing to be ashamed about. Of course it's a big deal and it affects you forever but you said it yourself. It was the right thing for you to do.
Sending you the biggest warmest hug right now....! I just want to thank you for sharing something so intimate & deep. You are surely not week, opening up only makes you stronger. I hope you can find please w/ this, you are an amazing woman. HUG.
I think it's really admirable that you can look back and not regret the choice you made, knowing that it allowed you the life you have today. Hugs Girl! I've always been the strong one too and sometimes, I forget it's ok to cry and let my guard down.
I'm with Rachel way up top!
And, one of the best things I ever did was try therapy. OH MY GOD did it blow something serious in the beginning, but I found an amazing therapist and am working through issues.
Talking with her single-handedly helped me a million times over.
And... maybe that could help you too with this or other stuff later on too.
I admire your honesty. More blogs need to be real. I often feel judged with living in the bible belt & having different beliefs than a lot of people around me... so reading different blogs make me realize we all go through struggles & journeys to get to where we are today.
I like your blog!!
What a raw, touchy post! Good for you for sharing.. I know that must have taken tons of strength. I'm not sure if you are at all interested, but whenever I'm feeling drown down by the past, I turn on this song. It's called "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North. In the lyrics it states:
"You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."
Those words always seem to settle my thoughts/emotions.
& I can't leave this comment without my photog mind running - wonderful photos dearie! :)
HUGS, kylie
The decisions you made in the past are what help mold your future. You are allowed to have emotional moments. You will be a great mother when the time is right.
Hugs, friend.. This must've been such a difficult post to write. But you ARE brave and you ARE strong. Thank you for sharing your story.. XOXO
First of all... You are so brave to share this on your blog. There's always hard choices in life and everyone comes to a fork in the road at least once or twice. You knew what was best for you, and you made that choice. You are an AMAZING person that doesn't deserve to be punished by anyone.... Even by you. Like you said, that was part of who you are. Sometimes life has a plan, even if we don't and things often have a way of working out just as they're meant to. Please don't beat yourself up! Xo
Love and hugs to you friend. I told you this the other day when I didn't know the full story, but I still stand by it. Your time for babies will come.
You are NOT weak. We all have a past and I know that there is no way you'll be punished for your decision. You'll never hear any judgment from me friend because goodness, I've made some horrible choices in my life but you are going to be a wonderful mother! I can't speak from experience of having gone what you've gone through but if you ever need someone to talk let me know. Thank you for sharing something so personal!
I am so proud of you for putting this out there. I know it's probably taboo so it must have been really hard to hit that publish button. I think you are strong. And brave. Not only for being true and honest but for having the courage to make such a big decision. One that will effect you the rest of your life. Trust me - I HAVE BEEN THERE!!! Don't that. Got the t-shirt. It's not easy - but I always look at my life in the moment. I am happily married. Would that still be the case if I made another decision? I don't want to know to be honest.
Thank you SO much for this post. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to post my story. It's a long and painful one - but it's who I am today and I have no regrets. At all.
I absolutely love you. Truly.
You are not weak. In fact you are so strong to share with all of us. Strangers. I adore you more today than I did yesterday.
you are anything but weak. you are brave and strong! thank you for being real and honest! hugs!!
I don't think you're weak at all. I've always been pro choice. It doesn't mean you have a vendetta against babies or anything, just that you understand and believe that it is a woman's right to be able to choose what is best for her, in her circumstances. Nobody should be able to tell you what to do with your life, or that your choices are wrong/evil. THAT, if you ask me, is what's really evil. I don't think God will punish you for this. I don't think God is like that (although, sometimes that's hard to remember isn't it?). I don't think anyone who is having trouble conceiving should/could be mad at you because you conceived, and decided not to have a child. Just as their infertility wasn't planned or desired, neither was your pregnancy. I hope that nobody says anything rude to you like that because that's just selfish and mean of them. You're a wonderful person and nothing you say or did or could do would change that.
PS - and like you say, just because you regrets, or are haunted by something in the past, doesn't mean that it was wrong. It's not on the same level at all as your case, but my ex called off our wedding and ended a 7 year relationship via e-mail. At the time, I thought it was the end of the world. Now I look back and regret that whole relationship, but at the same time I know that it HAD to happen for me to be where I am today, which is a SO SO SO much better than I would have been if I'd stayed with him. Things happen for a reason, good and bad - doesn't make it wrong, necessarily. *HUGS*
Big hugs to you!!! This post shows just how strong you really are. Love you and your honesty.
Again, big hugs to you! You are awesome!
(((HUGS))) You are an amazing woman and will be an even more amazing mom. I know you're not asking for it...but you have my wholehearted support.
Hugs!!!!
I'm just reading this today and know that I'm sending you big HUGS :) XOXO
first of all, those cloud photos are amazingly scary.
second, thank you for sharing this. i do remember you posting something like this previously, and although it's not a decision i would have made, i still respect you for doing what you had to do. it's so sad that you still struggle with that decision and i'm so sorry for you.
I was out of town last week and am just now reading this. You are so brave to share this. Everyone has tough choices to make and all you can do is use the information you have and trust your gut and hope that you made the right decision. Hang in there and trust that you did the right thing at the time. xoxoxox!!!!! lots of hugs!
We all make decisions that are right at the time, but still have long-term effects - whether they are tangible things in your life or memories/emotions. No judgment here and I hope you don't get any - I don't judge people for what they have done or do - life is too short, and unless I'm without fault I can't fault others. *hugs*
I am so sorry you were faced with that decision! We all face challenges in life and tough decisions and no one should ever judge you for what you decided to do with your life! Thank you for your honesty. That's what this blogging world is all about. And honestly, this girl still likes you and your blog :)
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