Marriage | Five Years

This past Saturday, Bryan and I celebrated five years of wedded bliss...
Ha....bliss....I don't know if that's what I'd exactly call it but we celebrated regardless.

Amaya left the house and was super excited in doing so since she was going to hang out with Nanny, which left me and Bry alone for the rest of the evening and part of the next morning. I think we could've got diddly squat for each other and we would have been perfectly content with the fact that we got to sleep in Sunday morning. To any parent...that is the true gift.

But we're not here to talk about parenting or any baby nonsense.
Today my friends, it's about those two grown folks who had to do a little bow chicka wow to create those little humans.

(No worries....I wont give a play by play of sexy time)

So yes, celebrating five years I say...

I've actually thought about it alot. I love celebrating holidays and anniversaries and such though I despise getting gifts but I wondered what this anniversary would be like. Our past four have been great and all but this year seemed different to me. For many of you who don't know (probably all) Bry and I had a rough year last year around this time. September 2015 was a depressing time when I didn't know if our marriage could survive and had fears, anxiety, and depression that our fate together was doomed. Dramatic much? Perhaps...but when your in the grit of it and your practically separated, things will look and feel bleak, with a hint of drama and heartache to add.

But this year...
This is year has been amazing.

It's not to say there hasn't been any spats or silly arguments, but now....we are fucking rocking communications face off. Last year I internalized alot of my issues, as did he....but this year...we're owning up to our shit, having real conversations and checking in with each other to see how the other is doing. It's been wonderful. Therapy helped alot too....so never be ashamed guys to look for some outside help....sometimes you need to do what you have to do.

In regards to anniversary gifts, Bry and I like to stick to getting each other the traditional gifts and this year's theme was wood.

He spent the two weeks prior to our anniversary out in the garage every night working on my gifts from him. He made me three amazing gifts...a frame with our wedding song in wood, a love clock, and a picture frame with our wedding picture and wedding date, even if he got the date wrong....typical husband. I couldn't love any of them any more. He could have made me a piece of poop out of wood and I would still love it regardless because of the time and effort he put into it. I can't thank him enough.

I, on the otherhand, not being the master carpenter that he is, decided to go the pre-made route and I'm pretty happy with my find. 

In one our last sessions we discussed making a relationship mission statement and one thing that stood out the most was our sense of adventure and how we wanted to continue that. This map was the perfect find for that cause. In hopes of making it a little more 'us', I decided to personalize it with two hearts and a personal message on the back. 

The heart in Florida is for where we met, fell in love, got engaged and started our life together.

The heart in Pennsylvania is for where we got married, bought our first home, and started our family.

My dream for this map is too fill it with plenty more adventures, trips, and memories.

Happy Anniversary Boob. 

You are my greatest adventure. 

Date Night : Bowling

I proclaim it almost ever time I write about it, but I am a huge believer in making date nights for myself and my husband. With myself being trapped in the house and developing a shitty form of cabin fever over this last week, B busted me out and took me on a bowling date and then out to dinner at Cracker Barrel on Friday.

It was just what I needed.

We don't get out on as many dates as we used to when we first started dating, but it is something that I really want to start working on in this new year. Back in the early years of 'us' we'd go on dates almost every weekend and back then, even without a DSLR, I captured all those special and simple moments we had together and it is something I am most thankful for.

I have hundreds of pictures and even a couple videos and looking back on them now, it makes me happy I took the time to document that season of our life. We're in a new season now where working on our house and just working in general are a bigger priority, but I'm making a promise to myself to slow down and enjoy some of these simple loves of our life.

Now if we could just worki on B snapping some pictures of me, we'll be all set.

Bowling Facts of Us: 

I use: 8 lbs.

B uses: 12 lbs.

I used to be on a bowling league as a kid, even went to a championship and placed 7th (nerd alert)

I love when he kicks his leg back like he's a pro or something

I whoop his ass in Kinect bowling

We each won one and tied on a third game

Here's my boober in action:

I can stare at that view alllllllll day ; ) 

The Insecure Me.

It's a hard thing to do. 

To look in the mirror at yourself and not be comfortable with who you are. 

Who is this person? Where did the old Ivy go? Where am I at? 

Those have been questions that have haunted me in the past. Questions that I could not easily answer by myself or about myself. I was stuck in a rut with myself trying to figure out where I am and what kind of woman I was coming to be, and the sad cold truth was....I was becoming a very insecure person and it was starting to affect all aspects of my life. 

Not only did it affect my relationships with family and friends, where they noticed differences in me but also my own well being and my marriage. The once strong and will powered Ivy, was now a shadow of her former self who was disgusted and pretty much revolted by myself. I ate my feelings and gained weight and that in turn made me self conscious when I was naked in front of my husband and made our sex life stagnant and my attitude shitty. I questioned why he wanted to be with me, did he think I was beautiful, did he think he could do better than me. I constantly needed reaffirmations that I was good enough and let me tell you, it was exhausting. 

Not only emotionally for myself, but for Bryan who constantly felt like he was having to prove himself and me to me. Does that make sense? I needed his constant approval on things. Stupid things. Petty things. Things that I could easily choose and should have chosen for myself but felt so insecure and incapable that I didn't feel like I could handle making any decisions on my own. It was a horrible time. I don't know how I fell so fast but I really started hating myself and knew I was going to lose my self completely if I didn't get my shit together, and soon. 

That was a breaking point in me and Bryan's relationship. 

In the past where I talked about those 'less thank sparkly' times.

These were it. 

These were the days that I felt like shit. Where I would cry at the drop of a dime. Where I really feared for the future of my marriage and honestly my sanity. 

Bry laid it out on the table. He missed the old Ivy. He missed the sassy mouthed, straight talking, carefree, confident woman he met and fell in love with. He missed the girl who was able to make a decision, stick to it, and not make any apologies for it. And I missed her too. I didn't want to be the jealous wife, depressed daughter, silent sister and all the other negative connotations that came along with this crappy 'new' me.  

And with my heart and health on the line. 

I knew I needed to make a change before I lost myself, my husband, and my relationships with the people I love. This is not easy to share, as taking a hard look at yourself and not liking it, is not something anyone wants to do but it's needed. 

I need to grow. I need to choose happiness. I need to get my ass in gear and stop making excuses and living in fear. I need to learn how to be me again. 

Albeit, hopefully a much better and improved one. 

*** 

Do you struggle with insecurity? How do you deal?